Diary of A Borderline Sociopath – Entry 1

I have a boyfriend, but I am not attracted to him. I like him, no doubt. He is fun, he is intelligent, he is cute, he is stable. He is everything I wish my spec would be. And he loves me. But he is not my spec.

I have dated enough of my spec to now consider them all shallow or uninteresting, or just plain old wahala (problematic).

I would look at my life, realise how much of a mess I am, and be grateful that I have a boyfriend, that I can stand. But when the thought of making love comes to mind, I’ll suppress a gag.

I hate myself.

Then I saw my spec today and the thought flashed in my head. Me against the walls held up by his slim yet firm hands, my legs wrapped around his slim waist. It was easy picturing myself having sex with him.

But I know this spec. All there is to him is the idea of him. The illusion of mystery. In reality, he is just a big baby. I wouldn’t be able to stand him past 2 days if we dated. He’ll probably disappoint me in bed and I’ll roll off, smile and leave; blocking his number and putting in an effort to casually avoid him for life.

But my boyfriend is different. I don’t want him with another girl. I don’t want to be his friend. I want him to be my boyfriend. But I’m just not attracted to him. I wonder what I can do differently to build the attraction.

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